One of the hardest realities to explain to a child is death. Especially when it is the death of a parent, sibling, beloved grandparent, close friend or even a favorite pet. As a parent, you try to protect your child from things that might harm them or from things that are too difficult to understand for their age but unfortunately sometimes this is not possible. When you are faced with the reality that you need to have a conversation with your child about death, keep the following ideas in mind.
Don’t lie. Whatever you do say, make sure that you are completely honest with your child. Telling them that a person went to sleep for a long time does not help them and can confuse them later when they do find out the truth. Don’t say anything that would cause your relationship with your child to be in jeopardy later because of a lie, even if it is just a little white lie.
Keep it simple. Long winded explanations may make you feel better but a child will only hear the first couple of sentences. Remember the teacher on Charlie Brown and how the kids just tuned her out? You don’t want your child to turn you out during a difficult conversation so be clear and simple when you start.
Answer only the question they ask. As a parent, you may be tempted to reinterpret your child’s question or answer more than they ask. Resist the urge and instead repeat the question they ask for clarity by saying, “You want to know…” followed by their question. If they say yes, then answer it simply; if they say no than ask them to ask a different question.
Don’t expect an emotional response. Children need more time than adults to process what has happened because this is a new experience for them. So if your child seems unemotional at first, don’t worry, just give them time to process what has happened. Your child may also have inappropriate emotional responses such as laughing instead of crying; allow them the freedom to respond as they know how. They may be laughing because that is the only way they know of releasing the stress and tension they feel.
Explain as often as requested. You may find that your child comes back to you several hours or days later with the exact same set of questions they asked at first. They are doing this to process what has happened and refusing to answer a question because you have already answered it is not helpful. Rather, be consistent with your responses and answer the same question in the same manner. Again resist the temptation to over explain, they are not asking the same question because they need more clarity, they are just trying to understand.
Invite them to ask more questions in the future. As your child ages and has more experience to draw from, they may have additional harder questions later. While they may have seemed like they are processing the grief well shortly after the death, problems may surface several years later as they learn more about life. Look out for disruptive behavior at school, defiant behavior at home, or destructive behavior with friends as warning signs that your child may have more grief to process.
Get help not only for your child but for you as well. Grief of close family members can take well over a year to process for adults. For children, they seem to postpone aspects of their grief for later and sometimes it is not fully processed until they are adults. As a parent, you need to get help so that you can better help your child first by example and next by experience. Your child will be far more likely to ask for help in a productive rather than destructive manner if they have witnessed you asking for help. The idea of being strong for your child and not getting help may be counterproductive for your child who may feel weak compared to you.
It is a tough to have a conversation with your child about death. Before you begin, think about the right words to say then review the above suggestions rehearsing answers to some of the anticipated questions. But if your child is resistant to the conversation, don’t force it on your time-table but rather be patient and sensitive to their time-table. This will go a long way in strengthening your relationship with your child.
Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort. If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment. Or you can send me a quick email at firstname.lastname@example.org.