Has your Sex Drive Decreased

It happens to almost everyone.  You are not interested in having sex as frequently as before. Or the thought of having sex at all is completely unappealing.  Your sex drive seems to be decreasing and you not sure as to why.  At first, there may not be any logical explanation but looking to some underlying issues may reveal the problem.

Be honest.  This is not a time to be silent with your spouse.  They need to know that you are experiencing a decrease in your sex drive and perhaps not achieving an organism as frequently.  Most likely they have already noticed and is wondering what is wrong.  Check for any relational problems such as difficulty with in-laws, finances, communication, or the kids.  Getting help with these problems and dealing with them can improve your sex drive.

Talk to your doctor.  Sometimes there are physiological reasons for a decrease in sex drive.  Age, discomfort during sex, painful sex or change in hormonal levels can all be contributing factors.  By discussing your concerns with your doctor and running a few simple tests, the physiological reasons can be identified and in some cases resolved, improving your sex drive.

Heal from the past.  Oftentimes when you are in a stable relationship and things are going well, sexual images of your past or unresolved sexual issues surface.  Your ability to put aside these images or issues is no longer working.  However, dealing with them again is not what you want to do.  Yet, this is precisely what is needed.  A past experience of abortion, rape, molestation, sexual abuse, multiple partners, pornography, sexually transmitted disease or infection can all be contributing factors to your decreased sex drive now.  Take some time to work with a professional counselor to help heal from these past hurts.

Reduce stress.  The stress of maintaining a household, managing the competing schedules, and working to improve finances can be overwhelming.  Knowing what needs to be done and realizing that it cannot be accomplished increases your stress level.  Usually the things you choose not to complete are the very things that help you to relax and unwind.  Like proper amounts of sleep, eating right, exercising, reading a favorite book, taking a relaxing bath, going on a date with your husband, or just playing with your kids.  Add these activities back into your schedule and take time out for yourself.  Sex will be far more desirable.

Not addressing your diminished sex drive could result in an increase in marriage problems or/and increase in lack of self-confidence; neither of which is desirable.  This is a problem that will not go away with time or get better without being addressed, rather it is something you can confront and manage.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

Bible’s Top Sexual No-No’s

Ever wonder what the Bible says about sex?  It is filled with plenty of practical information about our daily lives including advice on love, money, wisdom, relationships, and work but what about sex?  Surprisingly, there are many verses about the matter and even an entire book called Song of Solomon written about it.  Yet not much is discussed in Christian circles about how God views sex.  There is much discussion about how other people view sex (just look at the titles of magazines at your grocery store), but few if any discuss how God views it.

So after looking over many verses, it all comes down to a couple of basic ideas and here are the top sexual no-no’s in alphabetical order.

  1. Adultery is sex with someone who is not your spouse.  This commandment was given by God through the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20:14.  Jesus expanded the definition in Matt. 5:28 to include someone who looks at another with lust in their heart.  This therefore would include any pornography.
  2. Homosexuality is sex with a person of the same-sex.  Lev. 18:22 and Rom. 1:26-27 warns against such practices.
  3. Incest is sex with family members or relatives.  Lev. 18:7-18 provides quite a long list of relatives which include immediate family and extended family as far removed as first cousins.
  4. Lustful pleasure is what the Gentiles live for according to Eph. 4:19 and as Christians we are not to act like them.  This means we do not live to have sex, it is part of our lives but it should not occupy the majority of our thoughts.
  5. Obscenity and coarse jokes are inappropriate sexual comments in a public setting.  Eph. 5:4 calls such behavior unfitting of a believer.  This includes sexual harassment.
  6. Orgy is having sex with multiple partners at a time.  1 Cor. 6:16 states that sex is intended to unity two people, not three or four.
  7. Prostitution is paying for sex or receiving payment for sex.  Neither a male nor a female should be a prostitute according to Deu. 23:17.
  8. Rape is forced sex without the consent or permission of one of the parties.  Deu. 22:26-28 calls for death for the person committing the rape.
  9. Sexual immorality as defined by 1 Cor. 5:1 is having sex with a member of your family not biologically related (which is incest).  The example given is a man having sex with his step-mother and would also include abusive sex.
  10. Sexual sin is outlined in 1 Cor. 6:12-20 and it explains that every time a person has sex with someone, they are joined with them becoming one.  By this standard, any sex which is not meant to be part of unifying two people (such as marriage) is sexual sin.
  11. Sodomy is unnatural intercourse such as having sex with an animal.  Lev. 18:23 calls such behavior perverse.

Having said all of this, the Bible also makes it clear through the book of Songs that He intended sex to give you pleasure and within the bonds of marriage, you are free to express yourself and share your bodies with your partner.  After all, He is the creator of sex and intended it for pleasure and procreation.  With the exception of the items listed above, sex should be a natural outpouring of your love, commitment, dedication and intimacy with your partner.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

Dealing with the ghosts of your sexual past

One of the most frequently asked questions by couples preparing to get married are, “How much of my sexual past do I need to reveal to my partner?”  While this can be a difficult question to answer, there are some basic guidelines to follow.

  1. Don’t lie.  Starting off your marriage with a lie is not a strong foundation and sooner or later the truth will come out in the most horrible way.  Even though it might hurt your partner’s feelings or you might potentially lose them, it is far better to be honest and suffer the immediate consequences then it is to lie and live with life-long guilt and much worse consequences.  Remember a lie is not just speaking untruthfully; it is also withholding the truth.
  2. Disclose any health hazards.  Some states require that you disclose any sexually transmitted diseases or infections before they offer a marriage license.  If you or anyone you have slept with has or has the potential for a STD (sexually transmitted disease), STI (sexually transmitted infection) or HIV/AIDS, you must tell your partner.  It is lying to do otherwise.  While on this subject, it is a good idea for you to be tested prior to marriage as there are many types of STD’s or STI’s some of which cause or contribute to infertility.
  3. Disclose any sexual abuse.  If you have been sexually abused or molested as a child, raped as an adult, or the victim of sexually harassment, you must tell your partner.  This may be an embarrassing admission on your part, just remember you were the victim.  And as a victim of a sexual crime the potential for some word, phrase, touch, look or position to trigger memories from the past is likely.  Your partner needs to know of your triggers so as to protect you and not add to any re-traumatizing.
  4. Disclose any abortions.  Statistically, one in three women has had an abortion, so it is likely that either you or your partner were involved in an abortion.  While this topic may be controversial and seem more like a private matter, not disclosing it is again a lie.  Your partner may feel differently about abortions than you and this is an opportunity to learn more about each other. Also when you have children in the future you might feel differently about abortions and the remorse may surprise both of you at a time when you should be feeling joyful.
  5. Disclose any addictions.  Pornography is addictive and any and all uses of it should be disclosed to your partner.  While it may seem like most people look at pornography at some point in their lives and the need for it will disappear with marriage, too often this is not the case.  After the honeymoon wears off and problems surface in your marriage, escaping to pornography to feel better can and frequently does happen.  Knowing your partner’s weaknesses and setting necessary boundaries such as an internet filter is demonstrating love for them.  Ignoring the problem and hoping it will just go away is foolish.
  6. Disclose any sexual crimes.  Sexual crimes are molestation, incest, rape, abuse, harassment, trafficking, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, sex with animals, or obscenities.  If you have been found guilty of a sexual crime, you must disclose it.  If you have been cleared of charges of a sexual crime, you should still disclose it.  If you have committed a sexual crime but have never been caught, you should disclose it.
  7. Disclose any adultery.  If you have been involved in an adulterous affair, disclose it.  While the affair may have ended a long time ago and you have parted ways without speaking about it, the guilt of having committed the offense will repeatedly torment you.
  8.  Don’t give too much detail.  While you must be honest about your past, too much detail about frequency, positions, locations, or anything else that could cause your partner to fantasize about you having sex with someone else is dangerous.  Say enough to be honest but not too much to cause your partner harm.
  9. Ask for forgiveness.  Once you have found the right partner, the other sexual partners of the past seem to fade in comparison.  However, the reality is that you did not wait to have sex with just your partner and this is precisely why you are having reading this article.  One of the hardest things to do is admit that you were wrong for having sex with anyone other than your marriage partner.  So begin by asking God for forgiveness and then ask your future spouse for forgiveness.
  10. Better to ask.  If your partner is secretive and refuses to disclose any information about their sexual past, be direct and ask them about the above points of disclosure.  If they are still not forthcoming, then seek professional help.  It may be that your partner is more comfortable dealing with this issue with a professional or it may be that they are unwilling to be honest.  If it is the latter, then know that you are building a marriage on unstable ground and it is likely to fail.

These guidelines are just that, guidelines.  They are not meant to be all-inclusive but they are meant to set the outside perimeter of what should be expected.  By discussing these issues prior to marriage, you will find more peace and less anxiety about your partner’s sexual behavior.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.