Why Some People Age like a Fine Wine and Others Rot

Spend some time in a nursing home and you will come across two very general types of elderly people: ones who are still happy and others who are still miserable.  If you listen to their stories, both sets have had their fair share of life tragedies, health problems, loss of loved ones, wars, disappointments, and successes.  Yet one group walks away with a sense of having lived life well despite all of the tragedies and the other with regret despite any successes.  How can this be?

Erik Erikson defines the last of his eight psychosocial development stage as Integrity vs. Despair which begins around age sixty-five till death.  The outcome of the previous seven stages sets the standard for this last stage in life as a person who has progressed well in previous stages will most likely end well.  When a person ages, their ability to moderate thoughts, feelings and emotions diminishes so good habits that were formed earlier tend to remain such as eating right, exercise and proper rest.  However, if a person’s life was filled with negative habits such as smoking, anxiety, and limited activity these habits tend to become more exaggerated with age.

The Psychology.  The end of a life brings a natural time of reflection especially if you are no longer working or active in an organization.  A sense of “what I do doesn’t matter anymore” sets in as “who I am as a result of what I have done” becomes the stronger reality.  Those who are able to reflect on their life and feel a sense of accomplishment end their life with integrity.  As opposed to those who reflect on their life and feel a sense of failure end their life with despair.

Life with Integrity.  Integrity is the ability to look back on your life and find satisfaction, fulfillment, acceptance of both successes and failures, and pride in a life well lived.  The outcome of integrity is wisdom in having lived life well and with it comes a natural desire to share gained wisdom with younger adults and children.  The elder adult who has gained integrity takes an interest in the lives of their family members, is active in their community or church, has a variety of hobbies they enjoy, is proactive in physically caring for themselves and doesn’t get angry over new limitations due to age, health, and decreased cognitive functions.  Many cultures outside of the U.S.A. value the elderly and esteem them for such gained wisdom and insight in many areas of their life.

Life with Despair.  Despair occurs when you look back on life and find regret, disappointment, wastefulness, and bitterness over missed opportunities.  The outcome of despair can be depression, isolation, disinterest in activities they once enjoyed, avoidance of family, and untreated medical conditions.  The elder adult who despairs tends to focus on the negative outcome of current problems, blames others for their condition and will rework history in their favor.  These individuals often engage in addictive behavior to hide from their despair by abusing prescription medication, alcohol or fantasy living in gambling, excessive TV watching, and overspending money.

The Cure.  Apart from Jesus Christ, there really is no other cure that can take a life ending with despair and transform it to integrity.  Not that all Christians end life with integrity, sadly too many fall into despair as they feel a sense that it is too late for them to do anything or to contribute anything in a meaningful way to others.  It is really not for another person to judge whether or not a life is useful or whether or not it can be used in the future as only God knows the answer to these issues.  Rather as believers we are to continue to be a light to the world until death which can be done either with integrity or with despair.  The choice is yours.

Erik Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development span the entire life of a person highlighting key struggles that each age group meets as they grow older.  At the end of a life, it is clear which path a person has chosen as a lifetime of successfully confronting each stage produces good fruit which age well into a fine wine.  However, if a person produces bad fruit, it is likely to rot.  So which path will you choose towards the end?

For more information, watch this video. 

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

When You Are Parenting Your Parent

There is a strange occurrence in the parent / child relationship when the parent begins to act more like the child and the child (now an adult) begins to act more like the parent.  This can happen at almost any age, even when the child is still a child, but it most definitely happens as the parent ages.  As the adult child, you eventually find yourself reversing roles with your parent and suddenly parenting him or her.

Perhaps your parent is refusing to take medication that would help them, driving when they can no longer see correctly, spending ridiculous amounts of money on late night TV ads, forgetting relatives or close friends, becoming angry for no apparent reason, and alienating themselves from others.  When confronted about their struggles, your parent acts more like a two-year old that has been told “no” then an adult.  Frustrated, you respond in a controlling manner which in turn is met with more frustration from your parent, tempers mount and unnecessary words are exchanged.  But there is a better way and it begins with you.

Honor your parent.  The reason this is one of the Ten Commandments is because this often becomes difficult to do at some point.  Honoring your parents means showing them respect for the years they provided for you, listening to their point of view without condemnation, and lifting them up to a place of high esteem in your household.  The difficulty comes when your parents have not or do not behave in a manner in which deserves honor.  Yet we are commanded to show honor even when they do not deserve it.  This is not about gaining the upper hand or manipulating control, rather it is a change in your heart and attitude as to how you will approach your parent.

Forgive your parent.  Once you decide to have an attitude of honor towards your parent, choosing to forgive them for past behaviors becomes next in the process.  At some point, your parent will no longer be able to clearly communicate, think thoroughly, or positively process the circumstances of their life.  Past hurts can no longer be addressed simply because your parent is unable to fully comprehend all you are saying.  Your choice is to harbor bitterness towards them for past behaviors or to forgive.

Love your parent.  What?  Of course you love your parent but do you love the person that they have become or do you love the person that they once were?  Loving your parent unconditionally means accepting who they have become in light of who they once were and choosing to love them regardless of the outcome.  They may act unloving but you can still make the choice to love them just as you hope that someone will do for you.

Parenting your parent can become difficult but if you remember to honor, forgive and love in spite of the circumstances and their behavior, you will find peace.  While the role reversal may frustrate the old patterns of your relationship, use this opportunity to rebuild your relationship into a healthy one instead of the old dysfunctional patterns.  In the end, you will be the one who benefits from the change in the relationship.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.