What Type of Narcissistic Husband Do You Have? Part 2

A Bully Narcissist may have you intimidated.  A Girly Narcissist may have you feeling bi-polar.   A Poker Face Narcissist may have you questioning reality.  A Debater Narcissist may have you arguing with yourself.  But a Psychotic Narcissist will have you downright fearful with little justification for how or why you are feeling that way.  The urge to run in the opposite direction will be just as strong as the curiosity to explain where the intense feelings are coming from.  It is almost as though you are having a moment of heightened sensitivity where all of your antennas are up and you are on full red alert just looking for the slightest indication that you are in immediate danger but without success.  Any yet you are in danger.

For this reason, the Psychotic Narcissist becomes an interesting study in how a Narcissistic Personality Disorder can become so intense that they proudly commit heinous acts of violence with no morsel of empathy for the victims.  In fact, they will claim to be the victim and further claim that the people they have harmed actually deserve to be harmed.  They will insist that anyone who disagrees with them secretly agrees but is too fearful to admit it and arrogantly assumes that they are admired for their supposed bravery.  They are an exaggerated hyper negative form of each type of Narcissism: Bully, Girly, Poker Face, and Debater with no accurate perception of reality.

From Bully to Belligerent.  The Bully Narcissist who is loud, pushy, and overly aggressive while making decisions by bulldozing over you now transforms into belligerent.  Their behavior so quickly becomes aggressive that you hardly know what is happening and you don’t have time to think about your reaction.  Their aggression is so well-practiced, even perfected, that you discount your instinctive reaction to run as you become enticed by their charismatic personality.  Once they see your guard is down, they become aggressive believing they are more powerful, more intelligent, and more worthy of existence than you.

From Girly to Hypersensitive.  The Girly Narcissist who believes their feelings are king and literally takes up all of the oxygen in a room now transforms into hypersensitivity.  They are so much in tune with your emotions and level of fear that they delight themselves causing you to be emotional or fearful.  Just to prove they are in charge of your feelings, they will turn on the charisma till you are no longer fearful and then in a second turn it off so that you are fearful again.  The rush they get from watching your reactions and knowing that they have influence over you eggs them to repeat it.  Because their feelings are always right, if they enjoy watching you squirm then they justify in their heads that you in turn should be grateful to feed their enjoyment no matter what the personal cost.

From Poker Face to “Boy Next Door”.  The Poker Face Narcissist who has learned to be quiet so no one knows what they are thinking which in the end enables them to better manipulate you now transforms into the “boy next door”.  Everything about their outward appearance indicates that they are safe and no one believes they could ever do such any offense until after the event.  While your emotions may tell you to run, their physical appearance is not intimidating and looks strangely like a person you would imagine meeting at church.  Their quietness is often mistaken for shyness but they are not shy, they are cunning and spinning a web of deception waiting for the next target.

From Debater to Obstinate.  The Debater Narcissist who over explains everything again and again requiring you to agree with every small detail and then to agree again with their conclusion now transforms into obstinate behavior.  They become so engrossed in the lies they tell to win their argument that they actually begin to accept them as reality.  A simple statement can have so many multiple meanings, spins, manipulations and lies all mixed in with one dose of truth that it becomes difficult to separate fact from fiction.  In fact, they are so good at convincing you that fiction is fact that you become confused when confronted with actual fact and shut down instead.  That is precisely where they want you, depending on them for what is real and what is not.

The worse part of a Psychotic Narcissist is that they believe themselves to be perfect, almost God like and the rest of the population is beneath them.  So any behavior they can justify in their minds, they are capable of doing making careful notes to blame a host of other people if they are ever discovered.  Because in the end while they are proud of what they have done, they don’t want to be responsible for suffering any consequences handed to them by people who are beneath their level of intellect, power, understanding, and ultimately anyone in a position of authority.  They believe they are the rightful authority figures who have yet to be appreciated for their brilliance.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

Surviving the Emotional Side of Bankruptcy

Emotion

Emotion (Photo credit: rexquisite)

The decision to file for either a business or personal bankruptcy is difficult enough.  While you may have prepared yourself for the short-term and long-term financial consequences for the decision, most likely the emotional consequences have yet to be addressed.  Each person is different and for some the emotional reactions are less than others but for the most part, each walks through the different stages although not necessarily in any particular order.  By being aware of the emotional stages to the bankruptcy and learning to cope effectively you can begin to heal from the storm of bankruptcy.

Shock – Is this really happening?  This is the most immediate reaction to the reality of filing for bankruptcy and usually lasts for a couple of weeks.  It is similar to a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car; you feel paralyzed, overwhelmed, and insecure about the decision you made.  Worse, some your past decisions are what contributed to this moment so you are reluctant to trust even yourself to make the simplest of decisions in the moment.  Shock fades as the reality of your situation sets in and some minor decisions are able to be made.

Guilt – What have I done?  Recalling past mistakes over and over for the point of learning from them is useful but when the recalling turns into beating yourself up, it becomes destructive.  Feelings of guilt over poor decisions in the past seem to flood your thinking and can be too much to handle at times.   Being aware of your mistakes and learning from them is different from agonizing over them.  What is done is already done, now is not the time to beat yourself up over the past, rather begin to look forward to the new possibilities.

Shame – What will others think?  Friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors might be able to find out about your bankruptcy.  However, you are under no obligation to tell anyone about your bankruptcy unless it is asked for on an application to a job, rental agreement, loan or other legal binding document.  Everyone does not need to know about your financial situation; this includes friends, relatives, co-workers, and neighbors and talking about it to everyone is not necessarily helpful.  Your financial situation is your private business and should only be disclosed if required or agreed upon with your spouse.  Instead find a confidant, a counselor, a long-term friend, or your spouse to discuss and vent your feelings of frustration, but try to keep the discussion to just one or two persons.

Anxiety – What will I do now?  The pounding in your chest, difficulty breathing, racing heart rate, stomach indigestion, nausea, sweaty palms, dizzy feeling, chills or hot flashes are indications of intense anxiety.  Anytime you feel out of control, overcome by fear of things that you were never afraid of before, or as if things are happening to someone else and not you, it is likely that you are experiencing anxiety.  Just identifying anxiety as anxiety sometimes reduces the intensity while understanding that the root of the anxiety is the bankruptcy and not you losing your mind.

Anger – Whose fault is this?  There is a tendency to blame others for the bankruptcy and in some cases this is entirely true.  Economic factors such as loss of a job due to reorganization, loss of business, or decreased value in a home are for the most part outside of your control.  Taking anger out on the economy, politicians, or your dog will not improve your condition, it will only make it worse because it distracts you from the things you can control.  The same is true for blaming your spouse for the bankruptcy; all that accomplishes is to add to the increased tension in a marriage and could result in permanent separation.

Depression – Why does everything seem so hard?  At some point all the other emotions seem to fade and you are overcome by an intense sadness that may result in a desire to be alone, crying over unexpected events, disinterest in things you previously enjoyed, moodiness, loss of energy, insomnia, indecisiveness, decreased sex drive, or sudden weight gain/loss.  Situational depression under these circumstances is normal.  There are times in our life when we will naturally have great peaks of excitement such as falling in love or the birth of a child followed by great valleys of sadness such as losing a loved one or as in this case filing for bankruptcy.  Understanding the cause of your depression is half of the battle, not allowing it to take over your life is the other half.

The emotions you may experience after filing for bankruptcy may catch you off guard and can vary in intensity over a period of one to two years.  In many ways, filing for bankruptcy is similar to a death because recovery from bankruptcy requires a commitment to die to past spending mistakes and expectations for the future.  Look for the article titled, “Now What: Recovering from the Negative Emotions of Bankruptcy”.

For more information, watch this YouTube video: 

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

How Healing Emotional Wounds is Like Healing Physical Wounds

Physical wounds are easy to spot as they usually leave physical evidence of an injury such as a broken bone or blood.  They also leave emotional evidence such as anxiety or pain.  Emotional wounds, like physical, can leave physical evidence such as loss of appetite or sudden sickness.  They also leave emotional evidence such as depression or anger.  However they do not always leave evidence.  These wounds are much harder to spot because they have been hidden or denied for so long but far more devastating in the end if not properly addressed.

To heal from a physical wound such as a large cut, you must begin by realizing that you have a wound.  Then you need to asses if it is a wound you can manage or if it is a wound that you need help managing.  Your next step is to clean out the wound, stitch the wound up if needed, and finally bandage the wound.  Failure to clean out the wound effectively can lead to infection.  Healing from an emotion wound works much the same way.

Realizing you are wounded.  Emotional wounds are not as obvious as blood pouring out of your body but they do have some familiar signs.  They can stem from any number of traumatic situations such as a death of a loved one, sexual or physical abuse, car accident, divorce, unexpected pregnancy, bankruptcy or witnessing a crime.  Common signs of emotional wounds are depression, anxiety, anger outburst, isolation, change in interests, lacking enjoyment from life, and change in personality.  Realizing you are wounded and by what is the first step.

Assessing your abilities.  One of the hardest steps is to asses if you are able to manage the emotional wound yourself or if you need help managing it.  It is extremely important that you accurately assess your abilities as in the example of a large cut, if you are wrong about your ability to manage the wound, the consequences can be lifelong.  It is much harder to clean out an infected wound that has already been improperly healed than it is to deal with it when it is fresh.  If you have recently experienced a traumatic situation, being honest with your abilities can be a life saving event.

Cleaning your wound.  Thoroughly cleaning out a large cut can not only prevent infection but it will also help the wound to heal faster than if you left it alone.  Cleaning out emotional wounds means revisiting the traumatic event and allowing yourself the freedom to feel the emotional pain.  It is also a time to confess any responsibility you may have in contributing to the trauma.  In the event of a large cut, you may have been handling a knife improperly; in the event of a traumatic situation, you may have ignored warning signs of danger.

Stitching your wound.  Sometimes cleaning a large cut is not enough, you might need a few stitches to facilitate the healing process and ensure that it heals properly.  Stitching up emotional wounds means you recognize how other areas of your life have been affected by the trauma.  For instance, if your traumatic moment was verbal abuse by a parent, a spouse yelling at you could cause you to get overly angry and have an outburst.  The wound of verbal abuse needs to be stitched up before dealing with your spouse.

Bandaging your wound.  The last step in the physical healing of a large cut is to bandage it up to keep from re-injuring the area until it has fully healed.  Emotionally speaking, bandaging up wounds is granting forgiveness, accepting a loss or gain of life, being satisfied with less income or being peaceful in the midst of a storm.  Not that the pain has fully gone away or that there won’t be a scar left after the bandage has been taken off but rather there is calm where there used to be trauma.

All of these steps require time and patience with yourself and others as you begin to work through them.  The best part of reaching the end of this journey is the ability to guide others along the way because it is in watching their healing take place that you are able to find meaning in yours.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

How to parent a difficult child

You have read the parenting books, implemented the ideas, and tried new techniques but nothing seems to work.  While your other children seem to be responding and benefiting from intentional parenting, one of your children is still not thriving.  In fact, they are getting worse.  Maybe they have been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, SPD, OCD, ODD, CD or Asperser’s.  Such diagnoses can help to explain your child’s behavior but it does not help in understanding how to effectively parent them.   So you read more books and try to be more compassionate only to find that your child’s behavior is still not improving.

All is not lost and your efforts are not in vain.  For the most part you are likely to be on the right track with firm boundaries, negative consequences and positive rewards for behavior combined with a look at the heart of your child.  These elements are essential to intentional parenting yet it is not enough for your child.  Instead, sometimes it is the small changes that you can implement that make the biggest impact.  By adding these three rules to the techniques you are already doing, you may see better results.

No questions.  Questions like, “Why is your room still messy”, “Why did you do that”, and “What were you thinking” are unproductive.  If your child answers these questions honestly with “I forgot”, “I don’t know”, and “I wasn’t thinking”, this is likely to frustrate you even more.  Interrogating your child is almost never productive in the positive sense as it fosters rebellion in the heart of your child.  While it may give you some answers, the negative consequence of a strained relationship is more damaging.  Instead of questioning them, make statements like, “Your room is messy”, “Your behavior is not acceptable”, and “Think about this”.  Statements rather than questions reinforce your boundaries and provide security to your child.

No explanations.  Long winded explanations border on lecturing.  Remember when you were a kid; did you enjoy the lectures from your parents?  Didn’t you just tune them out after a period of time or talk to yourself in your head when it went on and on?  So, don’t repeat the same mistake with your child.  Instead be short, sweet and to the point.  Long winded explanations invite opportunities for your child to argue back as they discover potential loop holes in your explanation.  Keep your explanations to one or two sentence at the maximum.

No emotions.  Getting angry, becoming emotional, crying, laying on a guilt trip, or nervously laughing are all inappropriate emotions during discipline.  Feeling these emotions is normal and you should express them privately, but doing so in front of your child while disciplining will add to the tension of the moment.  Instead deal with the moment as needed and then go back to your child later when you are no so angry, emotional, teary, guilty or laughing and explain to your child the emotion you were feeling in one or two sentences.  This small change will teach your child not to react when emotional, but rather to reflect and then respond.

Small changes can make a big difference in handling a difficult child.  They are likely to be more demanding, more time-consuming, need more attention, and use more of your energy.  But by implementing these three simple rules, you will find that you will feel less drained and more prepared to handle the next challenge that comes your way.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.