What Type of Narcissistic Husband Do You Have? Part 1

You have finally realized that you are married to a narcissist.  Everyone else around you already knew this and even warned you about him but for some reason you thought it would be different.  Maybe you believed that he would change for you and maybe he did before you got married but as soon as you walked down the aisle everything changed.  Suddenly this incredible dreamy person who swept you off your feet, met and even exceeded your every expectation, became this other alternate ego.  At first he convinced you that you were the problem and then you finally realized that he is.

Now what do you do?  Well there are several obvious destructive options: have an affair, run to another county, develop an addiction, become even more depressed, gossip about him to a few hundred of your girlfriends, or end the marriage in divorce (which seems easy but is often very ugly).  Or instead you could learn to understand what you are dealing with and accept him for what he is rather than expecting him to change, which is not likely happen no matter how many tears you shed.  So take a long look back and begin the process of understanding the type of narcissist he is.

Poker Face.  These are the quiet narcissists who make major decisions without talking to you.  They will buy a house without talking to you or make changes in their occupation without even mentioning a word.  On the outside they look great and appear to be gentle and kind but this is all a front.  Inside they are using this kind appearance to deceive and control others around them.  They have learned that by keeping quiet no one knows what they are thinking and therefore they can better manipulate other’s actions.  It is really an unexpected sneak attack which happens so quickly that you don’t even notice.  The struggle with Poker Faces is that everyone loves them and no one believes just how controlling they really are behind the scenes.

How to handle a Poker Face?  Don’t take their lack of communication about important decisions as a reflection on your abilities.  Learn to make your own decisions and don’t back down from it.  Begin to anticipate the sneak attacks and look for signs that it is coming; there is usually some evidence that in hindsight becomes 20/20 next time.

Bullies.  These are the loud, pushy, and overly aggressive narcissists who will make decisions by bulldozing over you.  They will buy a house by verbally beating up the realtor, seller, mortgage broker, attorney and anyone else who gets in their way.  They want to be noticed and then appreciated for their aggressiveness all while not being afraid of anyone.  In fact, they become even more competitive and verbal when someone tries to mitigate them with a fear tactic.  The struggle with Bullies is that everyone placates to them because it is easier to give in than to take it on the chin.

How to handle a Bully?  Don’t make excuses for them, apologize for their behavior or tolerate the verbal assaults.  Decide on a boundary and stick with it no matter what they do or say.  While the verbal assaults may worsen at first, they will lessen when you don’t back down.  Think of the bully on the play ground and stand your ground.

Girly.  Normally narcissists are void of feeling, but these believe their feelings are king and they literally take up all of the oxygen in a room just expressing themselves.  How they feel is always right, no matter what the circumstances.  They will buy a house by how it makes them feel:  if they feel important, then they will buy it; if not, they won’t.   When you agree with their feelings there is an intense euphoric high but if you don’t, watch out because they will attack you.  The struggle with Girlies is that they appear to be very sensitive but in actuality, they are only sensitive to their feelings and not yours.

How to handle a Girly?  Don’t accept responsibility for their feelings; instead allow them the freedom to feel however they want.  Decide how you feel independently of them and don’t mix the two up.  Most especially, don’t suppress your feelings or they will eventually explode in an enormous mess.

Debaters.  These are the most logical group of the bunch but they can be as deadly as heat seeking missiles that are aimed at you if you dare to disagree.  They will buy a house by obsessing over excessive details, most of which have nothing whatsoever to do with the purchase.  They over explain everything again and again and just in case you didn’t get it the third time, one more time again.   Worse, they require you to agree with every small detail and then to agree again with their conclusion.  If you don’t, they will seek to prove you wrong till you do agree.  Literally it seems the only way to stop debating with them is to agree.  The struggle with Debaters is that everyone eventually agrees with them and then does what they want to do behind their back.

How to handle a Debater?  Don’t lie by agreeing with them when you don’t, in the end you will be the one frustrated.  Instead trust your own logic and learn to use logic against them only when necessary.  Be calm and take time out to continue the debate later if you get flustered.

By understanding the type of narcissist you are married to and accepting him for who he is rather than wishing he would change, you can improve the state of your marriage.  Not all people who are married to a narcissist divorce; in fact many stay married and can even be happy in their marriage.  But in order to have a healthy marriage, you need to know your limitations and stand your ground firmly in love.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.

What Type of Narcissistic Husband Do You Have? Part 2

A Bully Narcissist may have you intimidated.  A Girly Narcissist may have you feeling bi-polar.   A Poker Face Narcissist may have you questioning reality.  A Debater Narcissist may have you arguing with yourself.  But a Psychotic Narcissist will have you downright fearful with little justification for how or why you are feeling that way.  The urge to run in the opposite direction will be just as strong as the curiosity to explain where the intense feelings are coming from.  It is almost as though you are having a moment of heightened sensitivity where all of your antennas are up and you are on full red alert just looking for the slightest indication that you are in immediate danger but without success.  Any yet you are in danger.

For this reason, the Psychotic Narcissist becomes an interesting study in how a Narcissistic Personality Disorder can become so intense that they proudly commit heinous acts of violence with no morsel of empathy for the victims.  In fact, they will claim to be the victim and further claim that the people they have harmed actually deserve to be harmed.  They will insist that anyone who disagrees with them secretly agrees but is too fearful to admit it and arrogantly assumes that they are admired for their supposed bravery.  They are an exaggerated hyper negative form of each type of Narcissism: Bully, Girly, Poker Face, and Debater with no accurate perception of reality.

From Bully to Belligerent.  The Bully Narcissist who is loud, pushy, and overly aggressive while making decisions by bulldozing over you now transforms into belligerent.  Their behavior so quickly becomes aggressive that you hardly know what is happening and you don’t have time to think about your reaction.  Their aggression is so well-practiced, even perfected, that you discount your instinctive reaction to run as you become enticed by their charismatic personality.  Once they see your guard is down, they become aggressive believing they are more powerful, more intelligent, and more worthy of existence than you.

From Girly to Hypersensitive.  The Girly Narcissist who believes their feelings are king and literally takes up all of the oxygen in a room now transforms into hypersensitivity.  They are so much in tune with your emotions and level of fear that they delight themselves causing you to be emotional or fearful.  Just to prove they are in charge of your feelings, they will turn on the charisma till you are no longer fearful and then in a second turn it off so that you are fearful again.  The rush they get from watching your reactions and knowing that they have influence over you eggs them to repeat it.  Because their feelings are always right, if they enjoy watching you squirm then they justify in their heads that you in turn should be grateful to feed their enjoyment no matter what the personal cost.

From Poker Face to “Boy Next Door”.  The Poker Face Narcissist who has learned to be quiet so no one knows what they are thinking which in the end enables them to better manipulate you now transforms into the “boy next door”.  Everything about their outward appearance indicates that they are safe and no one believes they could ever do such any offense until after the event.  While your emotions may tell you to run, their physical appearance is not intimidating and looks strangely like a person you would imagine meeting at church.  Their quietness is often mistaken for shyness but they are not shy, they are cunning and spinning a web of deception waiting for the next target.

From Debater to Obstinate.  The Debater Narcissist who over explains everything again and again requiring you to agree with every small detail and then to agree again with their conclusion now transforms into obstinate behavior.  They become so engrossed in the lies they tell to win their argument that they actually begin to accept them as reality.  A simple statement can have so many multiple meanings, spins, manipulations and lies all mixed in with one dose of truth that it becomes difficult to separate fact from fiction.  In fact, they are so good at convincing you that fiction is fact that you become confused when confronted with actual fact and shut down instead.  That is precisely where they want you, depending on them for what is real and what is not.

The worse part of a Psychotic Narcissist is that they believe themselves to be perfect, almost God like and the rest of the population is beneath them.  So any behavior they can justify in their minds, they are capable of doing making careful notes to blame a host of other people if they are ever discovered.  Because in the end while they are proud of what they have done, they don’t want to be responsible for suffering any consequences handed to them by people who are beneath their level of intellect, power, understanding, and ultimately anyone in a position of authority.  They believe they are the rightful authority figures who have yet to be appreciated for their brilliance.

Repairing, restoring, and rebuilding relationships takes time, energy and effort.  If you find yourself needing more help during this process, please call our offices at 407-647-7005 to schedule an appointment.  Or you can send me a quick email at chammond@lifeworksgroup.org.